Wednesday, July 17, 2013

A letter to Amaechi: the Rochas/Ngige example

Dear Governor Rotimi Chubuike Amaechi,

This is not embattled PR appropriate... oyibo suit... guilded chair... na! I like the calm expression though
In light of your recent victory may I take the liberty of referring to you as Double Governor? Maybe not? Ok I'll get on with it. Enough niceties.

The happenings around you and your state recently have given me great cause for concern. In fact I was so embarrassed concerned I temporarily changed my name from Pamela Diepriye Braide to Arit Nkechi Fynelegs Babatope. Go figure.  I'm not here to talk about loyalty, geography, desertion or ambition; I'm here to talk about a real opportunity for radical presentation and possible mentors.
I recommend you ban all visitors and outside help for now and look inwards. E.g. Those Governors that were "greeted" at the Port Harcourt International airport by some boys should henceforth express their solidarity for you face to face at NGF1 or NGF 2 meetings. You really have few friends right now. I am sure you realise this.
I have noticed the most repeated problem people have with you isn't really non performance but arrogance. Hmmm. This is what you must urgently address. I have good news; its "doable".

Immediately consult  your colleague Governor Rochas Okorocha of Imo State for coaching on appropriate PR to suit your embattled times. Borrow liberally from his playbook of roasting corn by the roadside, baby sitting for market women and going to schools kitted in complete uniform (shorts preferably). Pease do not try the red outfit he wore, Rochas is an expert but you can't carry it off convincingly. Stick to Khaki.

 Can you call Gov Rochas arrogant here? This could be you Gov Amaechi'...

You may wish to consult Ex Governor Ngige (now of the Senate where I hear you are headed) and Governor Oshiomole (a better potential Rivers State visitor than the last lot) on where to purchase comrade friendly khaki outfits for the days ahead.
This is the time to mingle with us. Those thirteen thousand teachers you just hired... why haven't you had a televised breakfast with them and older educationists? Akara and ogi will do. Cassava bread would be the ultimate PR touch.  Those 250 schools you commissioned.... meet with the PTA's! With cameras of course. The health centres? As soon as you have an emergency or toothache like Rochas did head STRAIGHT to one of them... put the video on youtube. Dress the beds and help the nurses. Doing enemas for babies will warm the heart of even the most hardened mom.
I recommend at least a one week crash course with Rochas. Also ask Ngige about how to wear hard hat and climb scaffolding of projects and appropriate embattled persona attire. Sartorial choices can strongly influence outcomes.


Behold! Ngige at a commisioning in accessible khaki shorts... can you call this man arrogant? Who would believe you? Gov Ameachi please take inspiration.
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You may feel this is a soft approach that doesn't match the magnitude of your travails but again speak to Rochas. Address those allegations of arrogance with a well positioned baby on either hip at  a busy market while roasting yam and see if your support base on the ground doesn't leap. Just make sure you also abolish some tax and attend at least one market leaders meeting since you don't have any daughter to make market leader to raise the cynics.  

I wept when I heard you struggling for the right to lead street protests. Maka why?! Roasting fish is more powerful than a million protests. With cameras please.
Behold as Gov Rochas roasts corn AND holds a baby. Can you call him as pictured here arrogant? No! Gov Amaechi... e fit be you. enough said.

As for those writing against you... leave them for God and remember they are very flexible people. Check what they were writing just 6 months ago and 6 months before that and put it into context. Don't waste one second replying them. How many times has Rochas ever replied critics? Like him, take to the streets with well publicized acts of what I term "every  day common manness" or "womanness". 

Now I am done with my heartfelt advice. I wish you all the best and I have added some pictures to aid your revamp. Thank me later.

Yours sincerely
Pamela Diepriye Braide
(Arit Nkechi Fynelegs Babatope persona temporarily in hibernation... pending)

p.s. The Mace wars have not been addressed in this piece. In my opinion the mace swinging champion Chidi needs to reflect on his deeds in jail. But then again we have the law to process such. Ciao!


Victoria Ibezim-Ohaeri said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Victoria Ibezim-Ohaeri said...

This is so hilarious, but trueeeeee! I hope Amaechi heeds your advice..

Anonymous said...

Every one must not adopt same style. Amaechi is outspoken and stands firm in what he believes there is not need adopting a Rochas or an Ngige style. You will surely see him win these battles I can bet u. Chuba

Obo Effanga said...

Good one Pamela!

creammygold said...

hahahhahahhaha...couldn't contain my laugher as i read* this piece...nice one to amaechi...keep the fire burning!

namelessfaculty said...

Pamela i didn't know you're so terrible... i love this kind of wit anyday

Lesley Agams said...

hmmmm, all very tongue in cheek

Anonymous said...

Great advice. I am soooooooo loving this. The truth must be told.

Funke Tega said...

Lmao! You forgot to add 'Bicycle Riding'. Rochas is a pro at that too.

pamela said...

that was recent... i need to do a follow up